Years ago, in the days of VHS tapes, I bought a porno film from a market stall in a town near where I live.  I should have listened to all the advice about not buying videos from market stalls, because when I got it home the tape was blank - there absolutely was nothing on it. I was really disappointed; the title, Head Cleaner, looked so promising. 

I was asked by a shipping agent, who was working for a restaurant chain, to travel all over Europe collecting consignments of sugar, eggs, sweetened condensed milk, evaporated milk and vanilla. When he had finished giving me the routing instructions I said, "I love it when a flan comes together".

A transport manager told me recently of an annual appraisal interview with a driver on his fleet.  Having been on a management course, and therefore in keeping with modern methods and managerial philosophy, the manager asked the driver if he was able to show something of his feminine side.  The driver thought for a moment and said, "If I don`t get what I want, your life is going to be f...... hell".

Haynes Publishing Company

It is not necessarily surprising that Haynes, the motor books publisher, has a factory and motor museum on one of the busiests roads in the country (A303).  But that they are in Sparkford on the river Cam?  Wow.

I have been doing some unusual jobs of late and none stranger than delivering replica animals, species both living and extinct, to the Continent from a factory in the Midlands. One of the blokes came out of the factory today to help me lift some heavy bits of a life-size model dinosaur on to my trailer.  His name was Ab.  I said, "Hi-Ab".

We got the head and neck on OK but it was the rear bit we struggled with.  Ab said we needed a tail-lift.

Ab said the wetland bird displays were the easiest to load because they came with cranes.

I was delivering in Central London this week, down by the river near Embankment tube station.  A bloke started to erect a backdrop for the stage of an outdoor theatre behind my lorry.  I said, "You can pack that up for a start".  When he asked why, I said, "You're creating a scene".

He said, "You wouldn't have said that if I was William Shakespeare".  I said, "He wasn't allowed round here, he was bard".

A friend of mine, spending a night out in Bolton, tried to get in a night club but was turned away because he wasn't wearing a tie.  He went back to his truck and got a pair of heavy duty jump leads from one of the cab lockers.  After wrapping them round his neck and tying a make shift knot at the front, he once again presented himself at the door of the club. The doorman saw him and said, "OK, you can come in but don't start anything".

He was the bloke who loved to sniff brake fluid.  I told him he was addicted but he reckoned he could stop anytime that he wanted.

Eddie Stobart

A life limited to 56 - what a pro!

RIP

Just the other day I was talking to a chap in the waiting room at my dentist's surgery.  He told me he was a Buddhist and that he once refused an injection before a root canal job.  I was amazed, but apparently he had wanted to transcend dental medication.

When I finally got in there, I realized it wasn't my usual dentist - just someone filling in.

There's a digital tachograph pictogram that comprises two circles next to each other that are supposed to be two steering wheels representing double manned vehicle operation.  They actually look more like women's breasts and I think they should be removed - because they're two crewed.

What's the best way to half the road casualty figures?  Divide them by two.

I've been looking at some of the symbols on a digital tachograph printout.  There's one of an old lady with knitting needles - it's called a pictogran.

Many years ago I spent a night-out in a mining village in Wales.  I parked up on the industrial estate where I was due to tip the following morning and walked to the local pub.  Sitting at a table in one corner, all alone, I saw an old man with a concave face.  Although he sat by himself all night he didn't buy a single beer - every man that walked into the place stood him a pint.  By the end of the evening, when I could stand the intrigue no longer, I asked the landlord about the lonely man with the concave face.  He told me that years ago, when all the local men worked down the pit, a terrible accident occurred below ground and the man now sitting in the corner held up the roof of the mine while all the men escaped.  "That's why", he said, "He doesn't have to put his hand in his pocket". "But what about the concave face", I asked. The landlord said, "That's where they wedged him in with a sledge-hammer".

I was in the cafe the other day, chatting away with some other drivers, when one of them told us that a few years ago his wife left had him after 20 years of marriage.   "Twenty years", I said, "How did you cope?" He replied, "The first five were the worst, but once I'd learnt to ignore her the last fifteen just flew by".

My wife said she was fed up with my continually joking around and that we should sit down together and chat about my behaviour.  It was then that I pulled the chair from beneath her.

My brother didn't speak until he was 11 years old - not a word passed his lips.  Our parents took him to see all sorts of specialists but it was no good, they couldn't find the problem.  Then one Sunday evening, when the family was seated around the dinner table, my brother said, "Mother, although I like my vegetables andante, and the sprouts are done to perfection, I feel the carrots would have benefited from another minute on the hob".  With this my mother fell to her knees beside my brother's chair and cupped his hands in hers.  As tears flowed down her face she asked, "My darling son, why haven't you spoken before"?  My brother replied, "Well, the vegetables have been OK until now".

There are three types of mathematician - those that can add up and those that can't

Many years ago, when my wife was pregnant, I phoned our doctor and told him the baby was on its way and my wife's contractions were coming thick and fast.  He said, "Is this her first child". I said, "No, it's her husband".

Time flies like an arrow; Fruit Flies like a banana.

When can a cannibal get down from the table?
Once everyone's eaten.

Two hats on a hatstand.  One says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead".

An envelope dropped through our letterbox today and I could see, as it lay on the door mat, the words 'Do Not Bend' were written on it.  It took me half an hour to work out how to pick the bloody thing up.

The Lone Ranger road into town with his faithful companion, Tonto.  The masked man made for the nearest bar but Tonto, a tea-totaller, refused to go inside and waited in the street instead, jogging up and down to keep warm.  After a short while an old timer enterred the bar and said, "Is the Lone Ranger here?" When the Lone Ranger raised his hand, the old timer said, "You've left your injun running".

A mate I used to drive with was a mean sod.  He was sitting in front of the telly one night, with his wife, when he stood up suddenly and said, "Get yer coat, I'm going to the pub".  When she said, "Ooh, are you taking me out".  He said, "No, but I'll be turning the heating off".

Mind you, he wasn't as bad as a bloke I used to play golf with.  We were on the seventeenth of our local course one day when a funeral went past on an adjacent road.  He stood up straight and took his cap off.  When I commented that I didn't know he had religious feelings.  He said, "I don't, but she was good with the kids".

I've just been to the doctor.  He said I'm not only one of his nicest patients, I'm probably the best looking.  I said I'd never considered complementary medicine before, but I liked it.

He gave me some pills.  It said on the label, 'Do not drive or operate heavy machinary'.  I thought, if I'd known that in the first place, I probably wouldn't now be in need of the pills.

I tried a new curry yesterday, a chicken tarka masala - It's like a chicken tikka masala but 'otter.

I got stopped for speeding this morning.  I told the officer my truck's brakes had failed and I was rushing back to the yard before I had an accident.

I was never much good at school. Our teacher once asked if anyone in the class could name five animals from Africa.  I said, "A giraffe, a lion ... and three elephants".

But I really blame my academic failure on the fact that I left school early - most kids stayed until three o'clock; I was always home by eleven.

I attended a tachograph seminar today.  The person delivering it said that all tacho's were made for two man operation.  I mentioned forestry vehicles and when he asked what I meant, I said, "Surely, they're made for tree-fellas".

I got chased by the Traffic Police the other day.  When they finally stopped me, and I was asked what the hell I was doing, I said my wife had left me for a Traffic Cop and I thought it was him trying to bring her back.

I went to the gym yesterday to ask if they could teach me how to do the splits.  When asked how flexible I am, I said, "I can't do Wednesdays".

My mate's a plumber and he's just left his wife, Florence.  Apparently, he went home the other night and said, "It's all over Flo".

The Middle East has featured a lot in my work recently and I've just got back from Abu Dhabi.  At least they show The Flintstones there, not like other Gulf states.  In Qatar the TV stations don't broadcast it but those in Abu Dhabi do.

Talking of the Middle East.  My wife and I were flying out there for a sun, fun and diving holiday a few years back.  As we queued at the check-in at Heathrow, I said to my wife, "I wish we'd brought the telly".  "What ever for", she replied.  "Because the passports are on top of it", I said.

I took our goldfish to the vet the other day; I was worried that it might be epileptic.  When the vet said it looked quite normal, I said, "You should see it when I take it out of the bowl".

I'd like to write a bit more poetry.  Someone I know suggested that I should always write upside down - so it would be inverse.

I had a rush job on recently and had to shoot off before I could tell my wife I was going.  When I got back she asked me how I would feel if she disappeared for a couple of days without telling anyone.  I obviously gave the wrong answer because, sure enough, I didn't see her for two days.  And even then it was only out of the corner of my right eye; the left one was still far too swollen.

Mind you, she's a big girl - she once played grand piano in a marching band.

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day.  I soon found out that she was a witch - she touched my leg and I turned into a lay-by.

I got stopped by the police on the same day.  The officer said, "I'd like to see what type of tachograph you are using".  I said, "Analogue".  He replied, "No, just the tachograph".