My brother didn't speak until he was 11 years old - not a word passed his lips.  Our parents took him to see all sorts of specialists but it was no good, they couldn't find the problem.  Then one Sunday evening, when the family was seated around the dinner table, my brother said, "Mother, although I like my vegetables andante, and the sprouts are done to perfection, I feel the carrots would have benefited from another minute on the hob".  With this my mother fell to her knees beside my brother's chair and cupped his hands in hers.  As tears flowed down her face she asked, "My darling son, why haven't you spoken before"?  My brother replied, "Well, the vegetables have been OK until now".

There are three types of mathematician - those that can add up and those that can't

Many years ago, when my wife was pregnant, I phoned our doctor and told him the baby was on its way and my wife's contractions were coming thick and fast.  He said, "Is this her first child". I said, "No, it's her husband".

Time flies like an arrow; Fruit Flies like a banana.

When can a cannibal get down from the table?
Once everyone's eaten.

Two hats on a hatstand.  One says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead".

An envelope dropped through our letterbox today and I could see, as it lay on the door mat, the words 'Do Not Bend' were written on it.  It took me half an hour to work out how to pick the bloody thing up.

The Lone Ranger road into town with his faithful companion, Tonto.  The masked man made for the nearest bar but Tonto, a tea-totaller, refused to go inside and waited in the street instead, jogging up and down to keep warm.  After a short while an old timer enterred the bar and said, "Is the Lone Ranger here?" When the Lone Ranger raised his hand, the old timer said, "You've left your injun running".

A mate I used to drive with was a mean sod.  He was sitting in front of the telly one night, with his wife, when he stood up suddenly and said, "Get yer coat, I'm going to the pub".  When she said, "Ooh, are you taking me out".  He said, "No, but I'll be turning the heating off".

Mind you, he wasn't as bad as a bloke I used to play golf with.  We were on the seventeenth of our local course one day when a funeral went past on an adjacent road.  He stood up straight and took his cap off.  When I commented that I didn't know he had religious feelings.  He said, "I don't, but she was good with the kids".

I've just been to the doctor.  He said I'm not only one of his nicest patients, I'm probably the best looking.  I said I'd never considered complementary medicine before, but I liked it.

He gave me some pills.  It said on the label, 'Do not drive or operate heavy machinary'.  I thought, if I'd known that in the first place, I probably wouldn't now be in need of the pills.

I tried a new curry yesterday, a chicken tarka masala - It's like a chicken tikka masala but 'otter.

I got stopped for speeding this morning.  I told the officer my truck's brakes had failed and I was rushing back to the yard before I had an accident.

I was never much good at school. Our teacher once asked if anyone in the class could name five animals from Africa.  I said, "A giraffe, a lion ... and three elephants".

But I really blame my academic failure on the fact that I left school early - most kids stayed until three o'clock; I was always home by eleven.

I attended a tachograph seminar today.  The person delivering it said that all tacho's were made for two man operation.  I mentioned forestry vehicles and when he asked what I meant, I said, "Surely, they're made for tree-fellas".

I got chased by the Traffic Police the other day.  When they finally stopped me, and I was asked what the hell I was doing, I said my wife had left me for a Traffic Cop and I thought it was him trying to bring her back.

I went to the gym yesterday to ask if they could teach me how to do the splits.  When asked how flexible I am, I said, "I can't do Wednesdays".

My mate's a plumber and he's just left his wife, Florence.  Apparently, he went home the other night and said, "It's all over Flo".

The Middle East has featured a lot in my work recently and I've just got back from Abu Dhabi.  At least they show The Flintstones there, not like other Gulf states.  In Qatar the TV stations don't broadcast it but those in Abu Dhabi do.

Talking of the Middle East.  My wife and I were flying out there for a sun, fun and diving holiday a few years back.  As we queued at the check-in at Heathrow, I said to my wife, "I wish we'd brought the telly".  "What ever for", she replied.  "Because the passports are on top of it", I said.

I took our goldfish to the vet the other day; I was worried that it might be epileptic.  When the vet said it looked quite normal, I said, "You should see it when I take it out of the bowl".

I'd like to write a bit more poetry.  Someone I know suggested that I should always write upside down - so it would be inverse.

I had a rush job on recently and had to shoot off before I could tell my wife I was going.  When I got back she asked me how I would feel if she disappeared for a couple of days without telling anyone.  I obviously gave the wrong answer because, sure enough, I didn't see her for two days.  And even then it was only out of the corner of my right eye; the left one was still far too swollen.

Mind you, she's a big girl - she once played grand piano in a marching band.

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day.  I soon found out that she was a witch - she touched my leg and I turned into a lay-by.

I got stopped by the police on the same day.  The officer said, "I'd like to see what type of tachograph you are using".  I said, "Analogue".  He replied, "No, just the tachograph".