Two monkeys are in the bath. One says, "o-o  a-a-a  o-o  a-a". The other says, "well, put some cold in".

Lady goes to the dentist. She's a bit nervous and says, 'I don't know what I'd rather have, a tooth out or a baby'. The dentist says, 'Well make your mind up I've got to adjust the chair'.

One day, Mrs Mandela received a parcel, 'Have you orderred a Primera front offside wing', she asks Nelson. The next day a headlamp for a Patrol arrives. 'Have you asked for this', she asks? Finally, a rear light cluster arrives for a 260Z. They look closely at the address, Nissan Main Dealer, it says.

He would have laughed, I hope. Nelson Mandela, statesman, humanist, RIP.

Why do sub-aqua divers always fall backwards out of their dive boat, when enterring the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

I suspect my wife of having an affair. We've just moved up to Loughborough from Exeter, and still have the same window cleaner.

Radar's a wonderful invention. Mind you, it should be no surprise that it was thought of: everyone must have seen it coming.

This travelling circus was advertising for a clown.  I thought, what the hell and went for an interview. I knew they'd be looking looking for something visual, so I wore green tights, pointed green felt shoes, a blue and black checked smock, and in my hand I held a stick with a bell on the end. I didn't get the job, they said I looked Iike a fool.

Me:    my bike rack's come adrift,  a couple of bolts have come out and the whole lot's dropped down. Do you have bolts for it, please?

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:    what size?

Me:    standard?

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:    nothing is standard with cycles.

Me:    what size are the bolts, usually?

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:   you tell me, it's your bike.

Me:    'scuse me.

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:    yes.

Me:    where's the nearest Halfords?