One day, Mrs Mandela received a parcel, 'Have you orderred a Primera front offside wing', she asks Nelson. The next day a headlamp for a Patrol arrives. 'Have you asked for this', she asks? Finally, a rear light cluster arrives for a 260Z. They look closely at the address, Nissan Main Dealer, it says.

He would have laughed, I hope. Nelson Mandela, statesman, humanist, RIP.

Why do sub-aqua divers always fall backwards out of their dive boat, when enterring the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

I suspect my wife of having an affair. We've just moved up to Loughborough from Exeter, and still have the same window cleaner.

Radar's a wonderful invention. Mind you, it should be no surprise that it was thought of: everyone must have seen it coming.

This travelling circus was advertising for a clown.  I thought, what the hell and went for an interview. I knew they'd be looking looking for something visual, so I wore green tights, pointed green felt shoes, a blue and black checked smock, and in my hand I held a stick with a bell on the end. I didn't get the job, they said I looked Iike a fool.

Me:    my bike rack's come adrift,  a couple of bolts have come out and the whole lot's dropped down. Do you have bolts for it, please?

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:    what size?

Me:    standard?

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:    nothing is standard with cycles.

Me:    what size are the bolts, usually?

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:   you tell me, it's your bike.

Me:    'scuse me.

50+ year-old cycle shop owner, independent trader - been there for years:    yes.

Me:    where's the nearest Halfords?

I went into a shop the other day to get my wife a new bra. The girl behind the counter asked me what bust. I said, "Nothing, it just wore out".

My wife has just asked me to pull the curtains. I turned to the curtains and said, 'Hey, curtains, what are you doing later'?

A mate of mine tipped over a trailer load of toilet tissue on roundabout. He was known as 'bog-roller' from then on.

He said it was for the best as the roundabout was s**t.

I have a mental blockage when it comes to the alphabet, I can't imagine why.

A rapidly balding friend recently asked me if he should wear a wig. I said yes, but keep it under your hat.

A driver I know who's from Wales loves to sing Mandy and Copacabana at karaoke nights. He drives for a heavy haulage company. He calls himself, Barryman Alowloader

Two cannibals are tucking into a comedian. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you".

A young lad arrives home after being out to play. He's got two chairs and a sofa that a man has given him. "I thought I told you not to accept suites from strangers", his dad says.

The way to rid yourself of insomnia is to practice.  Yes, you need to practice sleeping until you can do it with your eyes closed.

Before my old mum died she was ill for a short while, and her doctor advised us to rub grease into her back.  She went down hill quickly after that.

My dad, then in his late eighties, remarried a much younger woman.  They still made love, despite his age, every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the village's church bells.  He'd still be alive today if it wasn't for that fire engine going past.