I went into a shop the other day to get my wife a new bra. The girl behind the counter asked me what bust. I said, "Nothing, it just wore out".

My wife has just asked me to pull the curtains. I turned to the curtains and said, 'Hey, curtains, what are you doing later'?

A mate of mine tipped over a trailer load of toilet tissue on roundabout. He was known as 'bog-roller' from then on.

He said it was for the best as the roundabout was s**t.

I have a mental blockage when it comes to the alphabet, I can't imagine why.

A rapidly balding friend recently asked me if he should wear a wig. I said yes, but keep it under your hat.

A driver I know who's from Wales loves to sing Mandy and Copacabana at karaoke nights. He drives for a heavy haulage company. He calls himself, Barryman Alowloader

Two cannibals are tucking into a comedian. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you".

A young lad arrives home after being out to play. He's got two chairs and a sofa that a man has given him. "I thought I told you not to accept suites from strangers", his dad says.

The way to rid yourself of insomnia is to practice.  Yes, you need to practice sleeping until you can do it with your eyes closed.