A rapidly balding friend recently asked me if he should wear a wig. I said yes, but keep it under your hat.

A driver I know who's from Wales loves to sing Mandy and Copacabana at karaoke nights. He drives for a heavy haulage company. He calls himself, Barryman Alowloader

Two cannibals are tucking into a comedian. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you".

A young lad arrives home after being out to play. He's got two chairs and a sofa that a man has given him. "I thought I told you not to accept suites from strangers", his dad says.

The way to rid yourself of insomnia is to practice.  Yes, you need to practice sleeping until you can do it with your eyes closed.

Before my old mum died she was ill for a short while, and her doctor advised us to rub grease into her back.  She went down hill quickly after that.

My dad, then in his late eighties, remarried a much younger woman.  They still made love, despite his age, every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the village's church bells.  He'd still be alive today if it wasn't for that fire engine going past. 

This private funding initiative for roads is a bit strange.  Just round the corner from us there's a hill for sale.  We're thinking about it, but it's a bit steep.

There's a bit of small print on the bottom of the advert that reminds any prospective buyer that it could go up as well as down.

I'd been trying to master mental arithmetic for years.  I kept practising, subtracting 33 from 3 times 11, or adding 3 to minus 3.  In the end it all came to nothing.

I went into a burger restaurant the other day and ordered a meal.  The girl behind the counter asked me if I wished to, "Go large".  I said, "Well, a little larger than when I came in, of course".


I`m sitting in a layby spending my 45 minutes having a go at the crossword.

1 across:  To egg on. (5)   I think I know the answer, Toast.

Talking of crossword jokes:  Clue, Overworked postman.  How many letters?  Hundreds of the little buggers.