A lady knocked on our door the other day and told me that she'd walked past our house, on her way to the shops,  and our dog went for her. "I don't believe you", I said. "We've had him six years and he's never been to the shops for us".

My truck was stuck blocking the whole street, much to the annoyance of local traders. The chef from a Chinese takeaway appeared from one side waving a large frying pan. A chip shop owner came from the opposite side brandishing a frozen fish as if it were a weapon. And there I was, caught between a wok and a hard plaice.

In the yard one night, when I was a new lorry driver, I parked my wagon next to the boss's office. Next morning, when I got the engine going, the boss came running out waving his arms about to clear the smoke. 'You can't do that here', he said, 'don't you know anything'?
'We've all got to start somewhere', I told him.

It's a little known fact that Robin Hood had a couple of addresses in London - in Bow and Harrow.

Before they record an episode of Bake Off, do they do a whisk assessment?

If a car driver takes one second to react and then brakes very hard from 95 mph, it will take about 30 metres to lose 10 mph.

But from 10 mph the driver could bring the car to a standstill in about 5 metres.

My wife wanted to keep one of those pot-bellied pigs as a pet. But what about the filth and smell, I protested. It's a pig, she told me, it'll get used to it.